Dream a little dream

Out of all the things I am having to deal with now that I have emotions the nightmares are the worst. And the worst of worst seem to stem from positive feelings. Love, hope and compassion. Most days I don't know what to expect once I drift off to sleep

Variety

So tonight I am sitting here alone. Unless you count the two year old curled up on the pillow I got his mother. The pillow she had used the last month.

Tiffani couldn't take it any longer, she asked me for years to get help and I didn't. She reached her breaking point. Jaimi last only slightly longer.

The worse part is the knowledge that it was me. I had two settings angry and completely the opposite of serious. A lot of time I would make jokes as a way to cope. Now I have a lot more variety and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

I know if I have any chance I have figure it out. I have to learn how to deal with emotions like a normal person.

A part of me is doing it for her, but I am also doing it for the kids and for me. Mostly for her and the kids but for me also.

Three years

Three years ago I was asked to go see a doctor about my depression. I made excuses not to do it most those excuses stem from a fear of doctor and having tried it before.

The years ago I had a chance to see the doctor helping me manage my bipolar nature, to make it positive for me to desk with my life without falling apart.

Three years ago I was wrong and I want to not only publicly apologize to Tiffani Cunningham, but to also thank her for continuing to all me into I agreed a week week ago. Not I can only hope it is not to late.

I love you Tiffani and I am sorry and gratefully for you.

Is this normal?

Right now I am having some of the strangest feelings I have ever had in my life I am sad worried and I feel I have little control over the outcome of events directly involve me. And yet I am not in a panic I don't feel hopeless or like I am going to completely fall apart.

I know if events end up going in a way that I would rather they didn't I am going to cry and it is going to hurt a lot. but I am not in a panic.

Is this what most people feel like? Is this normal?

Voice recognizing ramble

So I'm writing this post I feel like I don't get everything out like the word somehow get stuck at my fingertips maybe that's because most of them riding on a phone so it mean when they come to do slow down it sucks so I am going to attempt to do is just simply take take this and see how it comes out not even sure if it'll work.

So while I'm on the subject of support as soon as to what is hurting me the most is I don't feel I have a support system I thought I thought I thought that I don't know maybe that I would get better faster that I would normalize sooner so that the one person I would want to be there for me without asking want to be there for me so since I didn't I didn't hurt her when she's close to me.

The problem is it seems to me again my bad days are are so much worse than even bad days of it my bad moment cuz not like I have a completely bad day but when I had that bad moment is really bad and can one person one he seems to hate me and everybody else I've pushed away Philip was the one person away that could have been there for me it could have understood who could have been just think they need that occasional have a person seems to think of such a great deal.

So as always I'm sitting here in the dark in the night wish I could sleep I think there's just something not going to be coming to me again like always I will stay awake way late and then I'll get up at 7 o'clock like I'm supposed to and I will get the other two other children taken to school and I will attempt to have a conversation with them but I fell like I always seem to do when they speak to me my daughter even an entire ride to school yesterday and I supposed to come over to my house after school tomorrow.

So what does that mean what what do I do well think of a connection with them when I seem to lose connection to my uncles every day the one person like the woman I want to spend my life with seems to hate me wunderground me as a close to the clothes I just paid to wash set in the trunk of her car segregated from my own was so nice to me safely I'll f*** you in the bugs away for long enough for me to The Weather Network look decent one for moment.

At this point I feel like I'm going to end up rambling if I can do you speak and I have my shower on for my lease as its meant to relax again another thing on that paper tell me to take a bath or shower anything to relax and eat it, nerves to keep the extremely girlfriends it at bay the mood swings and check in the spare time creeping into me yes in case it wasn't in the springtime today was not a good day and for once I actually thought the whole day was bad not just bits and pieces where I slept the whole day was I was off I was insulted. So maybe I should have been insulted I've hurt because I felt like my offers for dejected they made out of that I'm not I'm not sure that's what actually happened I'm not sure that the point of that statement was to the deck my aunt wants but rather to ensure that her once happened to make sure it wasn't a hardship on me so that she was able to get what she needed she was let me know that I wish she would help me and it said I took of the shoes minimizing my help but she didn't want me to be part of her help. The simple fact that I was just worried I was worried about her and I was worried about her friend. I think of friends being a huge mistake I wish I supposed to do with her friend's husband leave everything that has things behind his dreams he has failed to even come close to capture hes spending his days do the same thing there's a dude here this is what I've been told. But again I'm like I said if I can't answer to Rand I make me laugh and I think I'm going to actually keep the mistakes there I'm not going to change so I'm going to post this entry was ever the type of the mistake that is the Google Translate then is there but I guess me as small as a joy to see the mistakes. It gives me joy to see the not every moment has to be perfect everyone has to be completely struction! But why do I feel has to be? Why do I lose control when its not?

Dosage

So I upped my dosage on my pills it has just been one day and I know there is no way it can made a difference and today sucked I have felt blah all day. Even though I did up the dosage you would think that I would have felt something for the last few days with the lower dosage. But all I feel is overwhelmed and discouraged.

I want to get to the point that I take my daily medications, and yes I have accepted that I will have to take daily medicine, and only require my anxiety pills on rare moments. And by rate moments I don't mean going to the store to do grocery shopping.

I want some sort of normal. I not popping pills like pez just to get through the days.

Support system

I guess the hardest part I am having right now is what feels like a complete lack of support system.

I feel I can turn to my family, I have no friends I can talk with. The one person I thought maybe would be there for me avoids me.

I have this paper I was given on ways to help and one of them was hugs help. Not counting my 2 year I don't get hugs. It is wrong as I cry myself to sleep every night he is the one patting my back telling me out is OK. That is to much for a two year to see his father cry himself to sleep every night.

Three days with the one pill dose and I think I can say one pill isn't enough. The, what I can uneventful days I am great but once anything is added I fall apart and I do mean anything like going grocery shopping. I should be able to go to the store without among apart. Why can't I why do I feel so broken.